hidden but not lost

suffocating in a thick fog

reaching out into the darkness
only to feel a mist
of what could be
the dreams are the hardest
ground my feet have felt in a
long, long time
waking up,
hesitant in deciphering the
nightmare from the dream
comfort becoming nocturnal
but to lose the endorphins of the sun
is to die a slow death
if not for your touch
of fresh air and
hope, lost is all life would be
what a sad thing to lose
i'd fall just to be this high

lost in a dream again,
what a nightmare.

tomorrow will be different

you're crushing my heart as if it were
the fallen leaves on the ground
wandering into a black hole, deeper
where are the dresses and awards?
i need to tell me what i would say
i would know exactly what to tell me
how to believe what you believe
with everything you know?
personal happiness is not enough
glory fades, there's always better & younger
i used to know...but then i was wrong
just once
and everything left with it
there's a piece missing
small piece, key piece
i wish i could find it.
i can tell you how to be okay
i just wish i could tell me...

So glad I gave her my email

aannmason wrote:

Just came from top of barn
Mind full of memories.
The loft always makes me feel alive when it is full of hay
and on a brisk day........
Probably five- in my Grandfather Brubaker's big red barn
chasing baby kittens in the piles of hay and peering down on huge cows
and smelly momma pigs with sucking piglets.
I can close my eyes and see the barn in flames...
Fifteen- the shed on Fuller street full of hay. Learning to smoke.
Best friend Carol, Eddie and Griff.
Rainy day in Big Point, new barn,
all of us sitting in loft waiting for the rain to stop...forty three and pregnant.
Fifty with a barn full of hay and a romantic place to get away.
Now just a grand spot to watch back field, be alone and read a book.
Come home and enjoy.

Her next email: "About now you are thinking Darn, why did I give her an email ...sorry. Just got my new Paolo and Amos cds"

two minds looking for the same "forever"

I got things to do
it might be a while
but just enough time for you
to do all those dreams of yours
I'll meet you in Montana.

We got lost time to make up for
when I get to you,
I'll be nothin' but yours
Pass the time by a camp fire.

Of all the lives I could lead,
all the dreams I could achieve,
I just want to be
next you, yea you and me.

We'll be able to see for miles,
but all I need to see is your smile.
Blue eyes and blonde curls
we'll drift to sleep in our boots and jeans.

I can't wait for that special breakfast
you promised me in Jackson.
We drift apart but you
always come back to warm my heart.

You'll sing your songs,
I'll laugh until I cry.
You're my Robert Redford,
better yet my Monty Roberts.

Our own Hope will be Rising in
Montana
I'll meet you there.

Love- Your Mississippi

good lines from Garth

Both needing something from each other
Not knowing yet what that might be
That summer wind was all around me
Nothing between us but the night
When I told her that I'd never
She softly whispered that's alright
I often think about that summer
The sweat, the moonlight and the lace

Waking a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say it's gonna be alright

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Red Dirt

You put me back on
with trembling hands
but then
you walked away.
i didn't need you
because you taught me not to
but when fear stole you from me
it took half my game.
You left me alone to carry what
You built.
i was good but i was young.
You hammered
consistency consistency consistency
then you quit.
i pushed on
thought i could bring You back
with success.
couldn't reach it without you.
eventually my eyes quit searching for you.
she tried to fill your shoes.
not possible
not because she was my mother
but because who you were and what you meant
was not replacable.

but even eight years down the road
i still had you standing there
everytime the gate opened,
if only in my heart.
on the road i would find
pieces of You in other faces
but they'd always stand by her
she didn't know enough
and you
You only stood for me
You were only there for me
but You walked away

now i spend saturday nights by the sea
far from the red dirt that
dusted my hat, little on the back end
for luck, right?
guess i never scooped up enough.
if you hadn't left, we'd be on the road.
Waco. Cheyenne. Tulsa. Amarillo.
i wouldn't be trapped by these four walls
and all this choking structure.
You walked away
and hear these tears?

i could keep going,
but then
she'll be gone.
i didn't think i could even
attempt without You but
without her...
i wouldn't even want to.
i avoid tests of my emotional strength
because You built half my strength
and she built the rest
but people, even the strongest
People always leave.

thanks buddy

To Z: Thanks for expecting the best.
I love you, man.
you sing your heart's cry in my ear
in a badass tone of course
but it is always pure, real, real talk
you come when i call
you tolerated the cold, hard tile
to give me your shoulder
you call me out every time
don't accept my mistakes
you expect better of me
fresh air when i'm drowning,
in the thoughts of tomorrow.
when i need to hear what i would say
i turn to you
you say it for me
a mirror of my words found in your thoughts
simple, i love what we have

vote

a great man sacrifices his personal success for love
a great man does not seek glory
a great man wants the best for the world
your world is now our world
what a beautiful thing
if you believe in yourself
i'll believe in you
there is no longer A country
at least... it is fading fast
i don't want a "fighter" for this country
i want a fighter for the world
fighter for the world
it is not all about me or you
it is about Us.
He is about us

be my song

i'm not thinking about forever,
i may not even want forever,
but just for tonight
you be romeo and i'll be juliet,
lets live like a song, Etta James please
i want a dream to speak to,
and a thrill i can press my cheek to,
name the place, i'll be there.
just stand by me in the moonlight,
catch me when my balance slides.
my love,
after time- i'll Need your love.
your touch is "like the rush of the wind"
i could sail with it everyday,
at least through the night.
just like The Monkees
i'm a believer,
at least.... for tonight.
take me as i am, Brooks said that may mean
you'll have to be a better man.
after tonight maybe,
maybe
i'll be ready to jump from the highest swing.
lucky you, i am already back from my soul vacation.
in the morning, if you still love me...
my heart will stay behind when i leave.

my mistake

these breaks are yours,
the lines on my heart etch your name.
you cannot test God,
you cannot test love.
karma is a bitch
i said goodbye once,
you said it over and over, with love.
so i held on tight
i'm not a quitter
and i'm never wrong, or never was.
push hard enough and anything will give.
it doesn't go away, it just doesn't work.
Eddie said it all in Better Man
i feared there wasn't one
but the red has seeped into my open eyes now
and now, now, finally now,
i see that i cannot be right until i've seen it.
at the end of my life
i'll remember your name but
i'll have his.

12:41AM no essay

got to write something about Jane Austen.
she wrote words just as i do here.
thoughts overwhelmed her mind,
flowing through her finger tips
to the ink that painted her pages.
now my pages are bare
but with a heart of red.
refusing black ink,
words of love and devotion
come out of my mind.
no words of Bath or charming Mr. Tilney.
well maybe charming Mr. Tilney
but with a different name,
all the same appeal.
sadly i lack the naivety of Catherine.
i have feelings of fear.
i need to leave the future to my
dreams in the darkness and
live the daylight for each beam of
sun that warms my “chubby” cheeks
but my mind takes me to my flaws.
greatness in my mind is not so in anyone else’s.
for what do i have to offer that cannot be found
better in another? well lots of things
but only seen through the eyes of the beholder, right?
love can catch you but so can lust.
loneliness will deceive you.
then it will all bust,
i will rewrite my dreams in darkness all over again
with more layers of scarring, less hope.
for now, for tonight, i will not rest.
i will push you out of my mind
just for that smile to ease back on my face
every 5 minutes.
only tell me your heart’s desire,
not the desire of your mind.
that will only fill in loneliness and lust.
loneliness and lust always say goodbye.
…….the darkness is seeping in my window,
i light a candle and close the blinds; i will
refuse the thoughts of forever.
i will enjoy the moment and only what the sun brings.
i am letting go. come what may? still doubtful

stay

"well actually you can"
really? no. i cannot. i will not.
i want to, and i know exactly what my answer would be.
but i just don't trust myself enough to let you risk it.
in one dream i see you at my doorstep,
holding that one white rose that you left out.
in my next dream it's not you.
but know that one more week was added to our story.
staying up late just to think of you,
i wanted you so bad,
for just a few days.
i had your entire visit planned out day by day.
i even had it rationalized in my mind,
but it is not okay.
i don't trust my heart enough to let you give up hers.
you could make me happy. you always did.
that is just not enough. i see a weekend adventure,
but you see a lifetime.

a different kind of heartbreak

i turn up the music, fill the tub, hoping the water drowns the sound of my tears.
God forbid you hear me pleading for answers.
but the ceiling just stares back with emptiness.
my heart is empty, suffering from a death.
might as well be a death, they do start with the same letter.

your watering eyes pour so many questions.
you get your temporary comfort from forced giggles and innocent affection,
but as soon as he's gone you'll drag yourself into my room.
i'll try to take us back ten years,
sitting at the bottom of the hill
under the oaks...day dreaming of boyfriends, first kisses,
and the day we would drive jeeps.
our lives were filled. we had seen no example other than love.

every tear i have cried has dripped down my cheeks next to you.
you were there for every dissappointment,
every time he left me
and every time he came back
you would curse his name for me.

i cannot curse your mother's name.
it will not help but i desperately search for what will.
your composure is slipping from your finger tips
but you being you and knowing me too well just say,
"it's okay if you want to cry"
that's what i am supposed to be telling you.
but you know my tears don't fall so freely.

so i turn up the music and drown the sound of my broken heart because
when it does hit you, when that half of you drives away for the last time,
i want to be as dry as that dirt road on those summer days when we were ten
so i can be your anchor when your tears try to carry you away.

some rum

where to draw the line between goals and restraint,
plans, goals, expectations...i have all those
i have been trying to write my story
to have a sense of control,
but i am tired.
i know enough to be true to myself
but i do not know this feeling...
it is not in my plans,
it was never a goal,
definitely not a part of my expectations.
i cannot label this...it is unfamiliar.
i have loved, with my whole heart,
a love that looked past dissappointment and hurt.
lust has gotten the best of me, a crush has consumed my every thought.
but this is cannot be labeled.
i do not want to be able to compare to the common, the typical.
when it ends, i'll coin a new term for it. it always ends.

no more sun

so many mistakes to make, so many wrong turns to take.
what are we supposed to think about love now?
"after the first year or so, it's about commitment"
that's fucked up. i want lasting love.
i mean why even get married? i can "commit" myself to anyone.
Cannot recall anything positive anyone has ever said about marriage after five years.
Everybody has a curtain. Everything has a backstage.
Something always goes wrong backstage.
Does passion always fade?
"You really think she's happy?"
"Yes. I really do. She has financial stability...(blah, blah, blah)"
Right there...that's where I will never be dependent.
If that need goes away, you got to have something behind it.
Commitment. Commitment. Commitment.
She repeated this over and over in our short conversation.
If that self-discipline is the only thing that keeps you in place, then why did you ever put yourself there?
Maybe I'll just join the convent to avoid the temptation of forcing myself into a commitment of emotional death with another human being. Why drag another person down with me?

It is going to take a warrior to pull the sun out of this dark heart.

rain

i wait for the rain. it drowns out the answers i don't want to hear that keep echoing in my brain. the glow from the clouds drains me, cleanses me, and fills me back up. the drops come down clearing the playing field. everything is revealed in its purest form. its most vulnerable form. my tears fill in the song of the raindrops to complete the melody of my soul. my thoughts are clear but irrational. no limitations while the song plays on. no fear of judgment because the music blocks out the author's identity. if they knew it was me they would ask questions i do not have the answers to.

Bundle of Love

ah babies are so beautiful. i saw some pictures today of an acquaintance's baby. a young woman my age, unmarried, and she has a beautiful 3 week old baby. the troubles and stress she has had to deal with don't even cross my mind as i yearn for a beautiful, innocent baby of my own. i sat in my sister's kitchen yesterday holding her 8 month-old boy Steven Joseph just wanting to run out the door with him. this thought came out of my mouth and my overwhelmed sister chuckled, "take him." i cannot describe it poetically. it is not poetic. a desire for something you don't really want at the time, something that is way premature in the "plan" you have set for yourself, but i still have yearning in my heart for a baby. not so much to "be a mother" but just to think that all the love in my heart could have the power to give a life. the love that i uncontrollably shared with a man, because gosh knows i will never let myself fall for a man...but that it will be out of my hands. to have all that love bundled up in a tiny baby blows my mind. in time. maybe one day. i will live with the intentions of happiness and whatever comes along with it, i will be happy with.

question

where do i turn now?
if their love did not last, whose will?
if their love was not love, how will i know when i stumble upon it?
Precedents, examples, the ways to be, the ways not to be,
that's what i looked to you for.
but now you do not know. you built a life on sinking sand.
what did it look like? the sinking sand? did you see its color?
what did the energy feel like around your toes,
the tips of your fingers must have told you something.
did the caress of his palm not warm your face?
was your breath not lost in his kiss?
it was? then how do i know? how will i know when the sparkle
that shines bright enough
to blind me from my own reflection
is not the energy of sinking sand?

catch me?

just let it go. should i just let it go? allow myself to fall deep.
i stay guarded. i protect myself because i know how.
i am fortunate enough to know how. therefore how can i turn away from an instructional guide
with enumerated directions of how not to fall.
how not to be misguided.
how not to be distracted.
i know how to live on. so many do not.
like throwing away food when there are starving children.

i have created that guide, that rulebook in my very own heart.
i cannot let go of my own creation. i need to hold it tight to my chest. and repeat the steps.
i do not need to fall. not with him.
......i want to, just teach me.

More Than Happy

Swaying gently in the breeze,
skin so polished
by nature's surface.
Taken back to Paradise, I thought we were.
Fragile as a rose petal,
you caress my face so lovingly.
The lack of history between us
fills in like a levy
as I lie in your arms
like I had been there
so many times before,
if only
in my dreams, you are the faceless knight.
Comfortable and quiet.
A fullness felt throughout my body
as if the world was still.
Time stopped as we
caught up on each
others lives. As if we had
always been together, just
without communication
for a long period. Just
catching up like lovers
parted by war. The duty to
be independent comes
back to compliment our
togetherness. As two people
that have shed away all
exterior down to the soul,
we are closer on a supernatural
level beyond this human realm.
As if a dream in the deepest
sleep, my body and mind are
completely at rest pressed
against your essence.

happiness

sometimes i wonder what will happily ever after bring? happiness? not so much. happiness is not enough. i want more. i want exhilerating. tiring? yes it will be. but death is pretty much being asleep forever so when i get there, to death, i want to rest well. -ABM