be my song

i'm not thinking about forever,
i may not even want forever,
but just for tonight
you be romeo and i'll be juliet,
lets live like a song, Etta James please
i want a dream to speak to,
and a thrill i can press my cheek to,
name the place, i'll be there.
just stand by me in the moonlight,
catch me when my balance slides.
my love,
after time- i'll Need your love.
your touch is "like the rush of the wind"
i could sail with it everyday,
at least through the night.
just like The Monkees
i'm a believer,
at least.... for tonight.
take me as i am, Brooks said that may mean
you'll have to be a better man.
after tonight maybe,
maybe
i'll be ready to jump from the highest swing.
lucky you, i am already back from my soul vacation.
in the morning, if you still love me...
my heart will stay behind when i leave.

my mistake

these breaks are yours,
the lines on my heart etch your name.
you cannot test God,
you cannot test love.
karma is a bitch
i said goodbye once,
you said it over and over, with love.
so i held on tight
i'm not a quitter
and i'm never wrong, or never was.
push hard enough and anything will give.
it doesn't go away, it just doesn't work.
Eddie said it all in Better Man
i feared there wasn't one
but the red has seeped into my open eyes now
and now, now, finally now,
i see that i cannot be right until i've seen it.
at the end of my life
i'll remember your name but
i'll have his.

12:41AM no essay

got to write something about Jane Austen.
she wrote words just as i do here.
thoughts overwhelmed her mind,
flowing through her finger tips
to the ink that painted her pages.
now my pages are bare
but with a heart of red.
refusing black ink,
words of love and devotion
come out of my mind.
no words of Bath or charming Mr. Tilney.
well maybe charming Mr. Tilney
but with a different name,
all the same appeal.
sadly i lack the naivety of Catherine.
i have feelings of fear.
i need to leave the future to my
dreams in the darkness and
live the daylight for each beam of
sun that warms my “chubby” cheeks
but my mind takes me to my flaws.
greatness in my mind is not so in anyone else’s.
for what do i have to offer that cannot be found
better in another? well lots of things
but only seen through the eyes of the beholder, right?
love can catch you but so can lust.
loneliness will deceive you.
then it will all bust,
i will rewrite my dreams in darkness all over again
with more layers of scarring, less hope.
for now, for tonight, i will not rest.
i will push you out of my mind
just for that smile to ease back on my face
every 5 minutes.
only tell me your heart’s desire,
not the desire of your mind.
that will only fill in loneliness and lust.
loneliness and lust always say goodbye.
…….the darkness is seeping in my window,
i light a candle and close the blinds; i will
refuse the thoughts of forever.
i will enjoy the moment and only what the sun brings.
i am letting go. come what may? still doubtful

stay

"well actually you can"
really? no. i cannot. i will not.
i want to, and i know exactly what my answer would be.
but i just don't trust myself enough to let you risk it.
in one dream i see you at my doorstep,
holding that one white rose that you left out.
in my next dream it's not you.
but know that one more week was added to our story.
staying up late just to think of you,
i wanted you so bad,
for just a few days.
i had your entire visit planned out day by day.
i even had it rationalized in my mind,
but it is not okay.
i don't trust my heart enough to let you give up hers.
you could make me happy. you always did.
that is just not enough. i see a weekend adventure,
but you see a lifetime.

a different kind of heartbreak

i turn up the music, fill the tub, hoping the water drowns the sound of my tears.
God forbid you hear me pleading for answers.
but the ceiling just stares back with emptiness.
my heart is empty, suffering from a death.
might as well be a death, they do start with the same letter.

your watering eyes pour so many questions.
you get your temporary comfort from forced giggles and innocent affection,
but as soon as he's gone you'll drag yourself into my room.
i'll try to take us back ten years,
sitting at the bottom of the hill
under the oaks...day dreaming of boyfriends, first kisses,
and the day we would drive jeeps.
our lives were filled. we had seen no example other than love.

every tear i have cried has dripped down my cheeks next to you.
you were there for every dissappointment,
every time he left me
and every time he came back
you would curse his name for me.

i cannot curse your mother's name.
it will not help but i desperately search for what will.
your composure is slipping from your finger tips
but you being you and knowing me too well just say,
"it's okay if you want to cry"
that's what i am supposed to be telling you.
but you know my tears don't fall so freely.

so i turn up the music and drown the sound of my broken heart because
when it does hit you, when that half of you drives away for the last time,
i want to be as dry as that dirt road on those summer days when we were ten
so i can be your anchor when your tears try to carry you away.

some rum

where to draw the line between goals and restraint,
plans, goals, expectations...i have all those
i have been trying to write my story
to have a sense of control,
but i am tired.
i know enough to be true to myself
but i do not know this feeling...
it is not in my plans,
it was never a goal,
definitely not a part of my expectations.
i cannot label this...it is unfamiliar.
i have loved, with my whole heart,
a love that looked past dissappointment and hurt.
lust has gotten the best of me, a crush has consumed my every thought.
but this is cannot be labeled.
i do not want to be able to compare to the common, the typical.
when it ends, i'll coin a new term for it. it always ends.

no more sun

so many mistakes to make, so many wrong turns to take.
what are we supposed to think about love now?
"after the first year or so, it's about commitment"
that's fucked up. i want lasting love.
i mean why even get married? i can "commit" myself to anyone.
Cannot recall anything positive anyone has ever said about marriage after five years.
Everybody has a curtain. Everything has a backstage.
Something always goes wrong backstage.
Does passion always fade?
"You really think she's happy?"
"Yes. I really do. She has financial stability...(blah, blah, blah)"
Right there...that's where I will never be dependent.
If that need goes away, you got to have something behind it.
Commitment. Commitment. Commitment.
She repeated this over and over in our short conversation.
If that self-discipline is the only thing that keeps you in place, then why did you ever put yourself there?
Maybe I'll just join the convent to avoid the temptation of forcing myself into a commitment of emotional death with another human being. Why drag another person down with me?

It is going to take a warrior to pull the sun out of this dark heart.

rain

i wait for the rain. it drowns out the answers i don't want to hear that keep echoing in my brain. the glow from the clouds drains me, cleanses me, and fills me back up. the drops come down clearing the playing field. everything is revealed in its purest form. its most vulnerable form. my tears fill in the song of the raindrops to complete the melody of my soul. my thoughts are clear but irrational. no limitations while the song plays on. no fear of judgment because the music blocks out the author's identity. if they knew it was me they would ask questions i do not have the answers to.

Bundle of Love

ah babies are so beautiful. i saw some pictures today of an acquaintance's baby. a young woman my age, unmarried, and she has a beautiful 3 week old baby. the troubles and stress she has had to deal with don't even cross my mind as i yearn for a beautiful, innocent baby of my own. i sat in my sister's kitchen yesterday holding her 8 month-old boy Steven Joseph just wanting to run out the door with him. this thought came out of my mouth and my overwhelmed sister chuckled, "take him." i cannot describe it poetically. it is not poetic. a desire for something you don't really want at the time, something that is way premature in the "plan" you have set for yourself, but i still have yearning in my heart for a baby. not so much to "be a mother" but just to think that all the love in my heart could have the power to give a life. the love that i uncontrollably shared with a man, because gosh knows i will never let myself fall for a man...but that it will be out of my hands. to have all that love bundled up in a tiny baby blows my mind. in time. maybe one day. i will live with the intentions of happiness and whatever comes along with it, i will be happy with.

question

where do i turn now?
if their love did not last, whose will?
if their love was not love, how will i know when i stumble upon it?
Precedents, examples, the ways to be, the ways not to be,
that's what i looked to you for.
but now you do not know. you built a life on sinking sand.
what did it look like? the sinking sand? did you see its color?
what did the energy feel like around your toes,
the tips of your fingers must have told you something.
did the caress of his palm not warm your face?
was your breath not lost in his kiss?
it was? then how do i know? how will i know when the sparkle
that shines bright enough
to blind me from my own reflection
is not the energy of sinking sand?

catch me?

just let it go. should i just let it go? allow myself to fall deep.
i stay guarded. i protect myself because i know how.
i am fortunate enough to know how. therefore how can i turn away from an instructional guide
with enumerated directions of how not to fall.
how not to be misguided.
how not to be distracted.
i know how to live on. so many do not.
like throwing away food when there are starving children.

i have created that guide, that rulebook in my very own heart.
i cannot let go of my own creation. i need to hold it tight to my chest. and repeat the steps.
i do not need to fall. not with him.
......i want to, just teach me.

More Than Happy

Swaying gently in the breeze,
skin so polished
by nature's surface.
Taken back to Paradise, I thought we were.
Fragile as a rose petal,
you caress my face so lovingly.
The lack of history between us
fills in like a levy
as I lie in your arms
like I had been there
so many times before,
if only
in my dreams, you are the faceless knight.
Comfortable and quiet.
A fullness felt throughout my body
as if the world was still.
Time stopped as we
caught up on each
others lives. As if we had
always been together, just
without communication
for a long period. Just
catching up like lovers
parted by war. The duty to
be independent comes
back to compliment our
togetherness. As two people
that have shed away all
exterior down to the soul,
we are closer on a supernatural
level beyond this human realm.
As if a dream in the deepest
sleep, my body and mind are
completely at rest pressed
against your essence.