I was always maturing faster than I should. Started out by tagging along with my older siblings every chance I got. Learning the lyrics to The Doors around four years of age. Getting along with my sisters and brother encouraged the development of relationships with older friends as well. I just wanted to be grown up. A common desire among children but rather than just wishing for it I consciously worked toward it. I wanted to be a woman, not a little girl. I wanted to be listened to when I spoke, not just heard. Maybe I can express the extent of it more clearly through an example from my memories...
When I was about nine years old, my parents bought a big motor boat. My family would load up on the weekends, always stopping by the local grocery store and stocking up on fried chicken and beer, and head out to the barrier islands for a day of sun bathing, snorkeling, and relaxing. We made those trips for about three years. My siblings were all in their twenties so for them it was a social time to drink beer with their friends and smoke cigarettes. I was so jealous of their cool, grown-up friends, and all their freedom. Nine years old and I never once built a sand castle. Instead I sat in the water as close as they'd allow listening to stories I was much too young to understand. If I just acted a little more mature, maybe they would accept me.
When my foot out grew children's sizes, I just knew I would finally be accepted as a woman. How could I not be if I wore the same shoes as my sisters? Before I know it, I was taller than my very petite sister Samantha. Surely that would give me some kind of credit. It went on and on and on. One day I find myself married with a three week old baby in my arms. And my family still referring to me as a child, their baby sister.
The previous nine months foreshadowed that moment or really my whole life. It was foolish of me to expect even motherhood to change my fucked up relationship with them. So I am not trying to prove anything to them anymore and I am no longer seeking their approval or acceptance because in my attempt to gain their respect I have realized that there is more to be respected for than they have ever known in their own lives.
The pace at which my life has gone shouldn't really surprise them. I have been growing up faster than anyone else in my family my whole life. Pregnancy and marriage before my 21st birthday is different from the way they did it. But even in ways as small as high school participation, I have always been different. Unfortunately it did take nine months for me to realize that it's a good difference. In trying so hard to be just like them, I have realized I am not and don't want to be anything like them. With marriage and children they stopped. I am just beginning.
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